What are some beauty tips for women by men?

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This answer shall serve as an experiment to determine how closely my wife and mother follow my content here, for I shall bait them by answering this question as though I were single. So take these to heart, since it might be the last thing you ever hear from me:

  • Looking like a salon bunny screams ‘high maintenance.’ When you’ve got tri-colored hair feathered into seventeen layers, professional semi-permanent makeup, intricate nail art, and whatever else Pinterest has been vomiting on your monitor, I don’t see ravishing beauty – I see dollar signs. For me, getting prissed up like this is the equivalent of being the dishes in the china cabinet – so prim and perfect you’re inaccessible.
  • In case my first point seemed ambivalent, natural is better. I’m not the makeup abolitionist that Domhnall O’Huigin is, but 95% of the stuff you guys are caking on is awful. I don’t care how meticulous you think you are in fading your liquid foundation out when you hit your neck, it’s still obvious, in most cases, that your face has a tackiness to it – in both senses of the word. My head turns largely go to those who either aren’t wearing makeup or use so little (as in, some mineral foundation and clear lip gloss) that its overall effect is negligible. Figure out your essentials, then chuck eighty percent of it, and you should be around the sweet spot.
  • Wearing uncomfortable outfits is not attractive. Seriously, when you’re taking off your $250 stilettos to massage feeling back into your feet, we’re across the room shaking our heads. And when you’re checking yourself every thirty seconds to pull your skirt down or your blouse up, we wonder about the funhouse mirrors you must have in your bathroom. If you’re uncomfortable with how much cleavage or thigh your outfit’s unveiling, why is it still in your closet? Even if this is the maiden voyage, are there no reflecty things between your closet and your car? When I was a cop on foot patrol downtown, I’d see women all the time who seemed to literally be fighting both ends of their dresses, willing them to stay put for another minute or two and actually getting angry at the dress. I half wanted to get some business cards from a seamstress and pass them out. Just wear something comfortable, no matter how much you’re dressing up or down.
  • Neither tan nor fair is necessarily best. Just stay away from the ends of the spectrum and you should be fine – as long as you aren’t *** or overcooked, the fair/tan balance isn’t that big of a deal to me.
  • We are not wowed by your jewelry. Seriously, none of us can tell the difference between a ruby and red glass, or the difference in general between cheap jewelry and expensive jewelry. To wit:

    One of the pictured necklaces costs $2; the other costs $1,800. No man not in possession of a gemology degree will know the difference, and even with a hunch, you’re not getting $1,798 worth of credit for the spendy one. If you’re wearing something generally complimentary of your outfit, you win, because we’re not taking a jeweler’s loupe to the baubles on your nightstand. Shoot for something simple that reflects your personality, because speaking of which…

  • Roll your eyes all you want, but personality really does trump looks. There are some stunningly aesthetically beautiful women I know personally whom I am simply not attracted to because they have pockmarks, or craters, in their personality. Some are shallow, some are narcissistic, some are intellectually vacant. I know you think I’m feeding you a line here, but I’d look you in the eye if I could when I tell you that, for me, it doesn’t matter how tall you are, how radiant your skin is, what your cup size is, or even, to a point, how trim you are – if you’ve got a dud of a personality, you’re relegated to the “Yeah, but…” list. Conversely, I also know some women who might not elicit many stolen glances from guys who don’t know them, but they’re such joys to be around – witty, playful, catchers of obscure references, full of funny stories – that their physical appearance almost seems to benefit from it.

So there you have it. And Kimberly, if you’re keeping up with my writing more closely than I thought, I’d appreciate your using blunt objects only in the course of any assault you launch – no bladed weapons, please.

Answered on January 14, 2019.
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