What are the giveaways that you shouldn’t trust someone?
I’m fortunate in that I had both CIA and FBI training (as a police officer) in body language and interrogations. So I have an edge. I have some NLP training and other professional training by people who do deep background and security checks on high-level clearances. This is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s quite a science, but this should give the average person more than enough information and tips to use to determine if a person is trustworthy.
The basic giveaways are NOT, as most believe, a person not being able to look you in the eyes, etc. Great con men rock the eye connection and other common myths. They’re practiced, smooth and charming and charismatic as ***. Even the pros (CIA, FBI, Cops etc.) are sometimes taken in by them. So, the giveaways for me are:
- Guts. What does your instinct tell you? If you practice listening to and acting on your instinct and you KNOW that still quiet voice inside, it is always 100% correct. If you start doubting it, second guessing it, you’ll muddy the waters and be wrong 50% of the time. Learn to use, listen to and act on your intuition until you get it right. It takes time, but it’s the best predictor out there. Every great cop I know has razor sharp intuition – to the point of being psychic at times.
- Love bombing. This is the giveaway of the century but most people refuse to believe they’re being love bombed. Cults use it, pastors use it, all groups use it, and con men and women use it. Love bombing is where someone or some group or organization tells you how smart, talented, special, or gifted you are. You’ll get a steady stream of comments and compliments that are designed to make you feel special, welcomed, part of the organization or a desirable partner, date, or whatever. It is the secret weapon of narcissists too. . You’re generally showered with affection, gifts, access to things others don’t have – either access to a person, place, information, data or an exclusive right. All new relationships can be exciting, but if your new “friend” is suddenly texting, emailing, calling and filling your inbox with messages, then be suspicious, very suspicious.
- The person starts asking for things, favors (usually small at first), or access, or things you generally don’t give to people until you’ve known them for a while. In other words, they start creating a relationship where you say yes to things you’re not really comfortable saying yes to, but they’re not such big things that you feel justified saying no to, so you say yes, but feel uneasy about doing so. This is how untrustworthy people groom you for saying “yes” to things you would never agree to if you weren’t groomed – meaning your tolerance level is raised – like a frog in a *** of water – the heat is turned up so gradually the frog is boiled alive, never knowing what happened.
- The person does NOT like hearing the word “no,” or being rebuffed. They won’t go ballistic, but simply act annoyed or miffed, or offended. It’s like they’ve never been told “no,” before. You’ll almost feel the chill set in – like you’re being punished by having boundaries.
- They want to know “everything” about you – but not really. What they’re looking for are clues about how to manipulate you – what you like, what you fear, what are your weak spots, your strong suits, your vulnerabilities. They get agitated when you have healthy boundaries or don’t want to share that information early in the relationship.
- They don’t respect your boundaries, or they keep “forgetting” the boundary and reoffending you. Like, I don’t like cigarettes or being around smokers. The untrustworthy person will quickly put their smokes away the first time I mention it, but then later will pull out their cigarettes again, then say, “OH. That’s right. I almost forgot you really hate cigarettes,” and put them away, but their tone is one of guilting me, or heavy and carries a sense of their being put out to accommodate me.
- They don’t respect your property. If they borrow something they don’t treat it with respect and don’t offer to fix or replace things they break. It’s almost like they have to leave your stuff in a worse condition than when they borrowed it, and act offended if you make an issue of it. If they borrow your car they’ll return it with less gas in it than it had when they borrowed it, and it’ll be dirtier inside and out than when they drove off.
- They hate kids. No, not just dislike. or feel uncomfortable around – they have a strong dislike of kids. Kids see through their *** so they prefer to avoid your children. If they do act like they like your kids, your kids won’t like them…generally. They will love-bomb your kids to get them to like them, but it all feels weird IF you’re paying attention.
- Your pets don’t like them. Say what you want about dogs and pets who growl, run, hide, or avoid people, but if you have an animal who shows fear or avoids this person – listen to them. They know.
- They share intimate details of their friend’s lives, but never of their own. They gossip. They want to know details of YOUR life, but rarely share anything from their life. The things they do share sound scripted – like they’ve told them a thousand times.
- They bully or ignore those who they can’t use. Take them to lunch and watch how they treat the waiter or waitress. If they are dismissive, rude, or condescending, they’re not to be trusted.
- Their “effect” is *** up. This can happen legitimately with people with personality disorders or mental illness, but psychopaths and sociopaths don’t think, feel, or respond to human emotion like normal people. They just seem a little “off,” like no one ever explained how healthy relationships or common courtesies works.
- They never introduce you to their friends or family. Most con-men don’t want you having any way to track them down when things go south. They tend to be loners, or “too busy” for relationships (except for someone as special as you!) and will either avoid conversations about their family, or have incredibly detailed stories about their family, but almost never have photos.
- They like to dominate you, the relationship, the situation, the problem-solving, the project, the job, the task, the date etc.. They’re very, very, very, very into being top dog in all aspects of your relationship – whether personal or professional.
- How they talk. This is where my training comes in, but you can still read a lot about the conversations of untrustworthy people. (1) they rush the conversation. That means they don’t give you time to think about what they’ve said or are asking – as though if they did you’d realize they’re untrustworthy. (2) watch their actions, not their words. The two rarely jive. Always trust your instinct here, and watch what they DO, not what they say. (3) They avoid answering the question. They’re masters of the redirect – appearing to answer your questions, but not really answering them. You’ll feel like they said something important, but it rarely answers the question.
- Ask about past jobs and relationships. If they blame others, their old boss, their old girlfriend/boyfriend, and everything bad that happens to them is someone else’s fault, then back off. You’ll be the next person they blame – whether you deserve it or not.
Untrustworthy people will have some or all of these traits. Always take time to get to know someone before letting them into your life, your home, and your vulnerabilities. Honest relationships worth having are worth waiting for. Don’t get swept off of your feet with a vacation date, or someone you meet at a public event. If it’s real, it will last if you move slow. If you feel pressured, uneasy, suspicious, doubtful – trust your feelings. Your intuition is speaking. Too many women end up robbed, murdered and abused every year because they were desperate for attention, love, or whatever these con men offered. Don’t become a statistic. It’s better to live alone than die at the hands of a con man.