What is your biggest regret in life?

Mudassir Ali
Feb 25, 2020 01:42 PM 0 Answers
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Mudassir Ali
- Feb 25, 2020 01:43 PM


I am 35 years old, married lady working in a reputed Government organization as a class 1 officer. I used to be an active sportswoman during school and college days and represented my state in various disciplines. I completed my graduation when I was 20 and was pinning high hopes from future, but life took a sudden turn.

Though I wanted to study further and do more in sports, my parents had a different opinion. They started looking out for a suitable match. Since I had above average looks and slim tall athletic body, I suffered less rejections on looks but still matchmaking took some time as people were not comfortable with sports background or some demanded huge dowry. Finally everything went right when my father approached my husband and we got married by the time I turn 21. My husband was 4 years elder to me and was good looking. He had just cracked bank clerical exam and started his career as a clerk in a PSU banks. His salary was sufficient to meet our needs and we started living happily together. I still wanted to pursue my passion in sports, but he successfully persuaded me to drop the idea and focus on house. I was blindly in love with him and gave into his demands. Because of my sports background, my chances of getting a govt job was quite high, but here again he played the devil’s role and never allowed me to move ahead. I felt bit suffocated, but since everything was going on so nicely that I didn’t mind anything. I considered myself to be a lucky girl finding such a good hubby.

Things however started to go haywire after 1 year of our marriage, he got into wrong company of friends and started consuming alcohol on regular basis. For few days I tolerated, but then I started resisting. This was the time when I discovered his dark side of personality. Slowly he turned violent whenever I objected him. After few days it became a routine for me to receive 3/4 slaps in the evening and on some days it used to be even worse. However on getting up in the morning, he used to be same person who was loving and caring. He used to apologize every morning and promised to improve, but in the evening it was the same old story. The sequence of events put me into depression and I even started to think about taking divorce or committing suicide. I even stopped going out or contacting my family.

However one day, my cousin sister (Ritu) came as an angel in the house. She knew that something was wrong, but I kept on denying anything wrong. But she insisted beyond a point, I burst into tears and uttered everything. She was fuming in anger and wanted to teach him a lesson. She asked me to report the matter to police, but somehow I was not ready. I knew I was wrong here, but don’t know why I was not ready. When Ritu noticed all her efforts failing to convince me, she asked me to take a different approach. She made me realize my strength that how strong I was during the college days and how easily I used to lift her while playing. She convinced me that being a sportswoman in the past, when I am physically capable to defend myself, then why I am living in submission. She motivated me to take charge of situation and make my husband learn the lesson of life. I liked her idea but I was still hesitant.

She continued coming for few days and in the process prepared me for the challenge. I observed my husband for few days and I was more or less convinced that his strength is more or less equal to mine and finally I was ready for combat. One day, when my husband came fully drunk, I started abusing him as per plan which made lose his temper and he charged towards me to give a tight slap. But this time I was ready, I blocked his hand and gave a tight slap in return. He couldn’t believe what just happened, but he was now boiling in anger. He charged towards me with all his strength, but I was again prepared. Not only I blocked his advancement, but gave some hard kicks which exhausted him completely. I didn’t stopped there, I sat on his chest and continued giving slaps till he was unconscious. All this time he crying loudly like a child, begging me to stop, but I was so frustrated that I never listened to him. I threw him on the bed and went for the sleep in other room.

Next morning when he realized what happened last night, he assumed that I was able to dominate him because of his inebriated condition. In order to teach me lesson, he barged into my room and again confronted me. I told him to mind his language and behave. But his male ego was hurt beyond a point. He again charged on me. Since I just woke up and not prepared, he was able to pin me on the bed and gave some slaps. But slowly I collected my strength and managed to back him away from the bed. I then decided to teach him another lesson. This time I charged on him and never gave him any opportunity to recover. I was so brutal with fists, kicks and slaps, that I went on beating him till he became unconscious. I don’t know from where I got so much strength, but I literally lifted him on my shoulder and banged him on to the floor couple of times. When he came back to senses, he was completely broken. All his male ego was gone and he tried to crawl away in desperation when he saw me in the same room. All anger in me was subsidized by that time and I tried to be nice to him. I told him that he will have to respect me going forward and I will be nice to him as before. I also help him by massaging his bruised body and injured body, foment it and putting bandage where ever required. I could see fear in his eyes when I was touching him as he has expecting more slaps from me. I was smiling silently on my win.

After that incident he started behaving like a obedient child and didn’t bothered me even for small things. He never asked me for anything like morning tea, bring spoon from kitchen or preparing food, etc. For me it was quite peaceful as I was doing things at my will. When I asked him about the possibility of doing job, he agreed immediately. Within months I got the government job under sports quota. My salary was more than him, but I never saw any reaction on his face. Slowly I took over everything in the house. I started commuting using his scooter and he happily started going by bus. Whenever I asked him to come for grocery shopping or anything, he never volunteered to drive and sat behind without any problem. I even purchased a bike for him, but he never used it, in the end I started driving it, but he continued going by bus only. When I was posted to a different city, he also took the transfer without asking a single question. He did sex or touched me only when I asked him to do so. We have 5 year old son and loves his father a lot, but his father is not like others. He is also confused as he sees his mother controlling the house and his father playing a non-existent role. He insists that his father should take him for a bike ride, but finally it is his mother who does this. Whenever we three go out on bike, I have to make so many stories to convince my son as he always expect my husband to drive, but he stands at a distance till the time we mother and son finish arguments and sit on respective seats. To be honest, I actually enjoyed my dominant role initially, but it seems I single handedly fucked my family life.

What I regret:

I could have taken other measures to correct habits of my husband, but by beating him so badly, I melted his male ego forever.
I know he was good at studies and could have easily cleared departmental exams to become PO, but seems he lost all his confidence and is still contented working as a clerk.
My family life has become so boring and monotonous that it is impossible to explain in words. Can you imagine husband and wife living together with no case of even a small argument for more than 10 years
Even though roles are reversed and I am playing role of a husband, but he is not even playing the role of a wife. He became too submissive and timid after that
As a woman, I also want that my husband should pass on orders, but he does everything by himself
I also want to sit behind on bike and wrap arms around him for a romantic drive, but seems he has forgot driving by now
Usually I go alone in my office parties as he continues to behave timidly in the social gathering as well
Sorry for long text, but the message which I want to give is that it is easy to take decisions during the heat of moment, but do think twice before doing anything which may fuck up your life for-ever.

Looking for some suggestions here:

Edit 1:

Thanks everyone for the comments. I am overwhelmed by the responses I have received. Let me clarify a few things:

There are some useful pointers which I have noted down to implement. Thanks a ton.
After initial period when I was enjoying my time in changed roles, I realized my mistake and I did apologized to him. But nothing has changed as yet. I think psychologist is the only option left now.
So many people have criticized me for the violence I did. So according you, if a woman is resisting violence by violence, it is disgusting. Is it because woman is considered inferior by default and they have no right to retaliate in such situations. I have already clarified that I do regret my action, but please keep yourself in the same situation and then analyze. Do remember the way he jumped and pinned me in the morning, he would have ended up killing me, but somehow I survived to write the story. Again I am not proud of what I did, but sometimes when emotions takes over, things go out of hands.
Some comments challenged the authenticity, so for them let me clarify that if presently I am class 1 officer, that doesn’t mean that I joined service as a class 1 officer. I started as a class 2 and got promoted last year. After joining service, I again got active in sports and got the opportunity to represent my state where our team was the winner. I did tried unsuccessfully for national team, but missed by a frisker. I gave up everything at 30 when I got relatively old and also decided to carry a baby. Never thought that this was important to mention.
We did had occasional sex which was always initiated by me and this led to me getting pregnant 5 years before.
I do have a car and official car as well. We use bike when going to nearby places only.

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