What is your most hidden and deepest secret that you want to share?

Mudassir Ali
Feb 13, 2020 05:06 AM 0 Answers
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Mudassir Ali
- Feb 13, 2020 05:07 AM

I am a 26 years old single and independent woman living in India and I would like to share my experience. I live in Delhi-NCR and belong to a well educated family with my father being an officer in education department and mother a lecturer.

I have always been excellent in academics and since I have been a topper since school days (as girls generally are in india), I think I have always made my parents proud that way. I completed my post graduation in computer science from a premier college in 2015 and got placed with a handsome package in a product based company located in Gurgaon. Since I am the elder sibling to my 2 years younger sister and 6 years younger brother, everyone in the family was happy and proud.

Since I was done studying and was working so the next step for a girl is to get married according to Indian society standards. My father being liberal enough asked me if I wish to get married to someone I know. How should I have answered this? Since childhood I have been taught that having a boyfriend would bring shame to family and I shouldn’t do so. I accepted this and focused only on studies and did what any girl would do, which is work hard to be independent. I am smart looking delhi university girl. Now when I was 24, I was being asked if I had a boyfriend to get married to. I told my father that i didn’t have any boyfriend and I would think of marriage after an year. But who would listen to me ? My relatives and all the known circle kept on calling my parents to tell them how disrespectful it is for a family to make a marriageable age daughter sit at home. My father would get frustrated and shout at me and force me to get married to any of the prospective groom whose bio-datas he had. This was the story of every Saturday and Sunday for 2 year.

Then when I turned 25, my father emotionally pursuaded me and I agreed to meet this guy. His family lived in a village in Haryana and he was working on a clerical government job in Chandigarh. When we met, I didn’t like his looks that much but I thought maybe I have set too high standards. We asked each other a few questions and to summarise, he wanted me to travel to my job from his village (80kms one way) because he wouldn’t shift to Delhi even if he got transferred to Delhi and would travel daily to his office and his mother wanted me to leave the job.

After they left, we(my family and me) discussed and I refused because I didn’t wanna leave my job and didn’t wanna travel 160kms every day.

But those(boy’s family) didn’t accept our NO and kept on calling and convincing my father that the boy would shift to Delhi after his transfer to delhi. This continued for an year but I was firm on my NO. In the meanwhile I prepared for a government exam and cleared it. Now when my cousin, 6 months younger got married, my father became restless and again started the emotional pursuation plus force to convince me to again meet the same boy and say a yes. My mother tried to explain that since he belongs to a different environment (village in Haryana and uneducated family background), there would be difference in thinking. But my father got very angry and also a little violent which scared me a little, so to end this daily unpleasant discussion which was hampering the studies of my siblings as well as the peace of our lives, I said a yes to meet him again.

Now we met, he asked if I was virgin, if I had any boyfriend in past. Although i found these questions very offensive but I just let go. Finally I said a yes without realising that it was my biggest mistake of life. They were in so much hurry for the marriage that they wanted it to happen within 10 days. Before I could realise anything, we got engaged in a week. A day before engagement, the boy called me and told me that he has a vardaan(blessing) from the almighty that whoever will stand next to him will loose his charm(noor). Also he advised me to look down during the function and not interact with him as doing so would be against the culture and would show disrespect to elders. Initially, I thought he was joking but to my surprise he wasn’t.

On the day of the function, I was wearing a beautiful flared sleeveless gown and everyone complemented me. Boy’s father forced my father to fix a marriage date of 10 days later but my father refused as it was too soon. In the evening, the boy called me to tell that he disliked my dress since it was sleeveless. Also he said, “What kind of lier your father is? Initially he agreed to marriage in next 20 days and now he refused. Also Since you are going to enter my house, you will have to follow our rules. You should call my parents maa and papa where as i would call your parents uncle and aunty only. Also you call me ‘aap’ whereas I will address you with ‘tu’ because that’s what husbands are supposed to. You are allowed to wear only salwar kameez, no plazo suits , no pants, no sleeveless , no talking to males, no going out of the house without permission and no meeting with friends.” I was shocked and devastated as to what I have done. I felt helpless and trapped as I was engaged to this 29 year old man with a thinking so low. I asked him what else does he expects. He said, “ We said yes to you not because of your job so it would be better if you leave it. Also we have been searching for a prospective bride since 2 years and rejected a hundreds of them. Now that we have got you, you should get married within 10 days else it would be against almighty’s wish. I am very frustrated and want to get married as soon as possible.” I asked if I could study after marriage. He said, “We don’t have a problem with you studying but having kids is more important to us.” I said, “ having kids is something we should discuss after marriage. Plus we don’t even know each other that well and we try to be comfortable with each other first”. To this he replied, “You will get comfortable as you will have kids and that is the priority and also to check if you are virgin”. I was very sure after this conversation that I dont want to move further in this relationship but i stayed silent just thinking of the honour of the family.

I kept on thinking for a few days and he kept on calling names to my father because he didn’t agree to their marriage dates and his questions and advices kept on increasing like I should never put a lock on phone, I should share all my fb, insta ids and passwords with him etc etc.

Finally, I said a No saying that I want to study and need one year’s time. I told everything to my mother and sister. They support me on my decision. My brother accused me of bringing shame to the honour of the family and hit me. Also he said he would kill me to which my father cooled him down. Now, I am depressed and think of running away from here since every now and then I just think of how wrong I have done. I should have been firm on my initial NO despite all the pressure. My living now has become very difficult in my own house where I have spent 26 years of my life. I am very much independent and earn a good handsome government salary. But i feel jailed.

Writing this answer a week after saying a NO. And I feel a little relieved sharing it with you all. I would want to know from all the girls out there if what I did was wrong

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