Why do I feel so much desire for my aunt?

Mudassir Ali
Feb 13, 2020 04:56 AM 0 Answers
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Mudassir Ali
- Feb 13, 2020 04:56 AM

If you feel distressed about having this desire, then this desire is likely what the Psychologist Carl Jung called an Anima attraction. The old school term for this kind of attraction is infatuation. An infatuation is decidedly different from the kind of attraction that can lead to a marriage kind of relationship. It is obsessive, which means that it is not really about what it seems to be about. Obsessive attractions are not about us wanting the person we are attracted to, but rather are about us needing to love the part of us that they represent. They are a symbolic representation of you, some part of you.

There are two kinds of infatuations; positive infatuations and negative infatuations. The negative infatuations are your unconscious mind’s way of telling you that you need to face some negative aspect of you, something difficult for you to face is true about you. Something we are so dead set against that to see ourselves as having this thing in us is rather difficult, yet if it is there, only by facing it can we effectively do something constructive about it.

The other kind of infatuation, the positive infatuation, is your unconscious minds’ way of telling you that you need to love, to embrace the aspect of you that this person is a picture of. The level of attraction to this person is equal to your judgment against the part of you that they represent. So, what you need to do about such an attraction is ask yourself this question; What do I find most attractive about her?

Let me give you an example of such an attraction. When I was first married, and head over heals in love with my wife, I found myself suddenly attracted to a young woman at my place of employment. I was never any kind of a player, and I was so in love with my wife that this attraction made no sense to me at all. Yet it was very powerful it was like she glowed in my mind. As I asked myself about what I found desirable in her, the answer surprised me. I found her preppy values attractive. Now, I knew hardly anything about this woman and as far as I could tell, I might well have been seeing this preppy quality in her and it was not really even there. Having learned about Anima Attractions I knew it did not really matter whether she was actually preppy or not. {Preppy is wealthy upper middle class culture like valuing and expecting to have nice expensive cars and homes and professional jobs, and the higher quality educations these things require.}

Now, I had grown up in a preppy part of a city in Michigan when I was an adolescent, and I had been saturated with those values. They were really a part of who I grew up to be. Yet I had also grown up to see them as being hideously superficial and materialistic, and vain. So, I, without knowing it had judged a part of who I was, and my unconscious mind was telling me that I needed to see past my simplistic and subjective judgments about this aspect of my culture and embrace what was good about it. I didn’t need to keep any of the bad parts of it, but I did need to keep the good. When I saw this I began to see that a love of learning was also a part of this upper-middle-class culture and I had thrown this out with the bad aspects of it. So, I repudiated my simplistic judgment of this preppy part of me, and officially acknowledged that I too was preppy and grateful to be, and instantly the infatuation for this girl evaporated. She was no longer this impossibly attractive person to me; she was just another young woman.

And this, by the way, is why we should not think to form a lasting bond with an infatuation. One day we will wake up to what they represent to us, and then it will be like a bubble of delusion has burst and leaving us with this person that we have no idea why we are with them. And that would not be good for us nor nice for them.

It may be that your aunt is attractive to you because she is someone that has played a role of a care-taker, a nurturer, to you. If this is so, the the kind of infatuation this attraction is is what psychologists refer to as a transference. What this kind of infatuation essentially is about is that it is your unconscious mind telling you that you need to love yourself the way you see them loving you. You would naturally think it impossible to like you the way they do, but there truly is within you an ability to love yourself like you feel they do, and you must commit your self to admitting that there is the capacity in you to nurture your self with this kind of self-nurturing love. You do not need someone else to save you with their love of you. You need to save yourself with love for your self.

Many experiences in life teach us the lie that it is selfish or impossible to like ourself, or to comfort ourself with genuine love of ourself. Thus our unconscious mind sends some person who is a picture of the kind of love we need to have for ourself. Often, counselors, or religious mentors become objects of transference, and the idea there is that we need to embrace the truth that we have a wise spiritual part of us, and do not need to look to others to be the source of our spirituality or wisdom/insight.

I do not mean to say that we do not need other people to love us or to give us insightful help. we all do, yet we don’t need to see them as having something to give us that we cannot give ourselves. If we do, what happens is that we become too dependent upon others who love or mentor us and their gifts of love or wisdom become useless to us. We cannot keep the love or insight another gives us unless we see that we have love and wisdom to bring to our life. We will simply be watching like an observer of our life, rather than being in our life living it out, unless we see that we can give love and insight to us. If we can see ourselves providing the love and insight we need for our life, we will effectively become participants with those who give us love, and not observers.

I wish you success and happiness with this inner adventure.

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