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  1. I imagine the pearly gates slowly opening and gleaming upon the Heavens in the same way the doors to my refrigerator unveil twinkling jars of salsa and shiny bottles of hot sauce. In high school, I kept a bottle of Frank’s RedHot in my locker at all times. Every night, I sleep in Sriracha boxers and a matching t-shirt. Eggs are incomplete without a generous scoop of habanero salsa on top.

    Yet, the rest of my body does not react as pleasantly to spicy foods as my tastebuds do. Stomach acid creeps up my esophagus while my lips tingle and my nose runs. Shortly after, my insides cramp up and it hits me: I really need to poop. The question is, why does spicy food make you poop?

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